Ehh, I don't even feel like ripping on wrestling, it's been so blatantly lame. Therefore, if you feel like laughing at wrestling, no problem! There's certainly nothing going on right now to enjoy!

For those keeping tabs on me, thanks. I finally got over my last signs of sickness on Friday, totalling the sick days at around ten. I got better, for the most part, early on in the week, but it still wasn't fun having what felt like Scotty 2 Hotty's missing, cancer-ridden testicle floating between my chest and throat.

Welcome to TheDDT.com, the site with an enire subsection dedicated to Kerry Von Erich's amputated foot. Time for a look back at the generally horrible seven-day span of wrstling shenanigans ending in Saturday, May 28th, 2005...the Worst Week Ever. I am The Mike, and this is what I says.

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TNA Goes Black
...and no, this has nothing to do with Ron Killings.

For the first time since WCW went under, a major promotion is without television, yet they somehow remain alive. Friday was the last airing of TNA Impact on Fox Sports Net, and their deal looks like it will NOT be renewed. TNA, however, knew what was coming up, and are relying on their talks with WGN and Spike TV to bring about a Monday night program starting June 20th, the night after their next pay-per-view, Slammiversary. If the deal goes down, it should be a stellar show, driven by the red-hot Bobby Roode-Lance Hoyt feud.

However, all they have right now is hope. There is NO contract yet with WGN, the WWE is still on Spike TV, and the FSN deal has run up. In fact, if TNA goes to Spike, the earliest they would see a new show would be in the Fall line-up beginning in September. A whole Summer without Jeff Jarrett or Monty Brown matches? Whatever shall we do?!? Certainly not watch AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels in ROH.

Another story within TNA is that a new group may be looking for a piece of the TNA pie. Like the freezer-burned rhubarb pie sitting in the back of the grocery store freezer, NWA Ohio, along with something called the Nelson Corporation, have a hunger for the damaged treat that is TNA. An offer is on the table by the pair to purchase TNA's 71% from Panda Energy, and have recruited "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and other legendary wrestlers to work within his negotiations. Those negotiations will involve a long road trip where they smuggle many, many pounds of weed cross country.

Dave Nelson (of the Nelson Corporation) has been very involved with his interest in controlling TNA. If Panda decided to part from TNA -- as has been rumored with the idea of the Jarretts intentionally lowering the value of the product -- then Nelson plans to step right in. Even if no new business partner takes control of TNA, it's a great excuse for having such a crappy product.

WWE Goes To Court
...Bauer, for input on the writing team. Like how I do that? When you think I'm talking about one thing, but it's really naother? Neither do I. It actually kind of pains me to do it. I need some toffee.

Former MLW promoter Court Bauer, only 27, is the latest addition to the WWE Creative Team. For those not in the know, don't worry, you're in the majority. Most people never caught wind of Court, whose MLW promotion launched and relaunched multiple times before finally ending in 2004. Sadly, it only started in 2002, at the time when several other upstart promotions looked to claim the spots left by WCW and ECW. Bauer himself mostly aiming for the ECW slot, though that is largely an assumption based on him pairing with former ECW producer Charlie Beruzzese for their program on Florida's Sunshine Network.

Will Bauer's presence make a splash? Likely not. Stephanie McMahon is still the head of the so-called team, and Bauer has no real relationship to the McMahon empire. Though he does have an affiliation with the Samoan family wrestling tribe (led by Afa and including family members like The Rock and...Rosey) so at least we know he's adept at devouring raw chickens.

Should get along with Stephanie just fine!

One Night Stand Line-Up
This week, WWE.com announced several matches and confirmed appearances for the June 12th ECW One Night Stand show. Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman will face the Dudley Boys (Bubba Ray and D-Von), Eddie Guerrero will take on Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio vs Psychosis, and Lance Storm (w/Dawn Marie) against Chris Jericho. Most are currently under WWE contract, and some (Dreamer and Storm) will be msking a rare in-ring appearance. How they book a match like Guerrero and Benoit remains to be seen, but I can only hope Eddie brings back the nasty green tights, and they both grow mullets.

Rob Van Dam, Tazz, Paul Heyman, Spike Dudley, Al Snow (w/Head), Sabu, Balls Mahoney, Danny Doring, Roadkill, CW Anderson, Rhyno, Joel Gertner, Axl Rotten, Justin Credible, Kid Kash, Masato Tanaka, Mikey Whipwreck (w/Sinister Minister), and The BWO (Big Stevie Cool, Hollywood Nova, and The Blue Guy) have all been announced as making special appearances, but not necessarily wrestling. With Kurt Angle leading an anti-ECW SmackDown contingent into the show, and Bischoff leading one from RAW, expect the groups to clash, just as the idea of making the Bischoff-Angle groups heels clashes with common sense. If anything, they should be praised for trying to put an end to this headache.

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For those who remember Lionel Tate, the 14-year-old convicted of first-degree murder back in 2001 while paired with the infamous "wrestling defense", the kid is at it again. On Monday, he was charged with one count of armed burglary and battery, armed robbery, and violation of probation after greeting a Domino's delivery man with a handgun. Apparently the reasoning for throwing out his 2001 conviction (for not being given a competency hearing before the trial, which most say he would have failed) was pretty justified. Everyone knows you only pay Pizza Hut delivery men with bullets.

Time for: The Fizzler!

~ John Cena signed autographs last Saturday afternoon at Mall of America. An hour after it started, there was still a line of fans over 100 long, and to be in line, you had to purchase Cena's CD. PWTorch reports that Cena posed for pictures and seemed to be engaging with the fans. In fact, he plans to marry 12 of those male fans later this Summer.

~ While promoting his new book, William Regal told the UK Sun: "I was shooting stuff up and swallowing stupid amounts of anything and it all seemed quite normal. It was everybody else who was wrong. I was just lucky nobody gave me any crack or any heroin, as I would have done it. There is no doubt in my mind about that. You just can't make sense of that kind of stuff. I've paid for it health-wise but it could have been a lot worse. I should be dead. Although I've never physically abused my family - I don't believe in hitting women or children - I did put them through a lot of abuse. I was so drugged up all the time, stumbling around the house and never around for them." You can read all about Regal's struggle with addiction in his new book, "A Pez-Head's Struggle".

~ This week's Heat and Velocity shows featured guest ring announcing by Divas Joy Giovanni, Michelle McCool, Miss Jackie, Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, and Christy Hemme. For those wondering if their in-ring oral skills matched those of their tremendous backstage skills...no, no they didn't.

~ A fluff article from the "Lowell Sun" covered the Hulk Hogan autograph session in Tewksbury, MA from earlier this week. Most feedback indicates this wasn't a pleasant experience, and I know second-hand. See, I had one of my contacts out there in line, who said he was rather disappointed when Hogan refused to sign his death certificate.

~ BorderCityWrestling.com reports that Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart and Bret "The Hitman" Hart will both be at an event in late July to re-form The Hart Foundation. BCW is headed by the on-air manager of TNA's Team Canada, Scott D'Amore. With D'Amore as the middle man between TNA and Hart, there is a chance that there could be more productive talks between the two. There is also a good chance that nothing will come of the talks, as Bret will just whine incessantly about the state of wrestling and how his stroke medicine tastes like copper.

~ Speaking of Jim Neidhart, his daughter, Nattie Neidhart, recently had a promo tape sent to WWE's Jim Ross. In it, she portrays the world's most beautiful gorilla.

~ The WWE sent out a press release to their mailing list, promoting the John Cena "Bad, Bad Man" music video. They say: "With its over-the-top action, MTV refuses to air this hilarious parody of the classic 80's TV show, The A Team." Obviously it's just spin, since MTV has never been above airing bad parody, such as Blink 182. Not in the way that they parody pop culture, but in the way they pretend to be a real band.

~ RAW Diva Candice Michelle is on the cover of this month's Open Your Eyes magazine. Former RAW Diva Terri Runnels is on the cover of this month's Open Your Wallet, Open My Legs.

~ The AWA World Championship will be defended in Michigan in June, with Steve Corino challenging for the belt on two of the three nights. Corino's main motivation for going after the belt is that he just can't stand their being major titles around that he hasn't killed yet.

~ Jay and Mark Briscoe are still out of action, as Mark has not yet fully recovered from a motorcycle accident last August, and Jay will not wrestle without his brother. Don't expect either man to be back in ROH anytime soon, but when they do return, expect a feud with Chad Collyer's butt for the title of "ugliest ROH wrestler".

~ Don't be surprised, but according to several people backstage, there has been a quiet rivalry between Triple H and John Cena brewing for quite some time. Despite their problems, the two still act pleasantly when around each other, but it is likely that the two will be kept on separate shows during the WWE roster draft, in order to keep everyone happy. Word is that Triple H feels Cena isn't dedicated enough to his position, and is not good enough of a leader to be the champion, and Cena's dislike of Triple H comes from him not being able to rhyme his name with some sort of fecal matter.

~ At last Sunday's Southern Championship Wrestling's Day of Legends event, reports indicate that Rick Steiner legit went after Vordell Walker with some shoot kicks and punches. However, Vordell has a shoot fight background and he reportedly "held his own" against Steiner in the exchanges. Steiner wasn't upset though, because it's not everyday a white man who barks like a dog and pretends to pee on people is referred to as a "legend".

~ WWE.com is offering an opportunity for people to send in their photos if they're interested in being HEIDENREICH's friend. A photo gallery of his friends will be posted on the website in the future. You can get info HERE. Parents who allow their children to send pictures in hopes of becoming friends with a man who raped Michael Cole will immediately be sent HERE.

~ Jerry Lawler's otherson, Kevin Lawler, who often reffed for the Memphis Wrestling promotion, was arrested when police busted him for burglary at a Raleigh apartment complex on Monday night. WREG reports that a woman says she caught him in her house with his pants down, asleep on her pillow, wearing nothing but a red t-shirt. This makes it ever the more clearer why Jerry never talks about this son, since there's no reason to be proud of a Lawler who fails at underaged rape.

~ JJ Dillon did an interview for the "In Your Head" internet show. He promoted his new book, "Wrestlers Are Like Pigeons" by which he means they'll shit anywhere without remorse.

~ CM Punk wrestled a dark match at RAW last Monday, defeating Matt Cappotelli. He also wrestled a dark match at the SmackDown tapings, losing to Scotty 2 Hotty. His dark match loss to Scotty was understandable, though, as Scotty was born nocturnal.

~ As it usually happens with WWE CDs, after the first week of big sales, there was a big drop-off for Cena's CD, dropping from number 15 the opening week to number 50 in the latest Billboard chart. Cena plans on rebounding soon, though, as the "Kidz Bop" version of his album is due in stores next month. Finally! We'll be able to hear immature raps sung by those who have the market cornered!

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To promote the WWECW show, the WWE has begun a poster campaign in New York City featuring classic pictures from the real ECW along with the caption "You Wouldn't Understand" across the bottom and top of the poster. Ignoring the blatant irony of the WWE saying "You Wouldn't Understand" in their promotion of an ECW show, some of the pictures being used for the campaign include Spike Dudley flying into a crowd, Tommy Dreamer bloodied and handcuffed to the ring ropes, and Lance Storm pulling Francine off Dawn Marie. One picture, which it's probably good they DIDN'T use, is this one, which could be horribly mis-interpreted.

Time for: UPGRADE!/DOWNGRADE!

~ Crybaby Kane
Did anyone who used to watch Night Court lose sleep anticipating the sight of Bull crying on the job? Well if you did, all you had to do was tune into RAW this past Monday, to see "the monster" Kane engage in another supposed humanizing act: crying like a little girl. Some people liked the fact that he admitted to his past misdeeds, which is something a good face would do, but Kane turned face by default several months ago, and has continued to be portrayed as a monster. Now all of a sudden, he's an emotional wreck after losing his cum catcher. I guess it's not the first time he's cried, since he did when Lita lost her baby, but was anyone really pulling to relive that heap of garbage? DOWNGRADE!

~ A Flair For The Old
You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. Ric Flair once again seemed to be on the righteous path, aligning with Batista and helping him fight off interference in his World Heavyweight Championship match, until Triple H came back. One ball shot later, and Ric's were right back in the palm of Triple H's hand. It's becoming a common thing, and will only further water down Flair's eventual face turn, if it ever happens. DOWNGRADE!

~ Re-Writing Hardcore History
A lot of people picked apart the Vince-Bischoff-Heyman promo from RAW, which stemmed from reality, but took quite a few liberties in telling the story. Myself? Well, I don't cae too much about the event in itself, so it's all uphill for me. In the likely event that it sucks ass, no water off this duck's back, whatever that means. But it needed to be worked into the storylines somehow, and they did it just fine on Monday. UPGRADE! for that. However, one obvious flaw that could not be re-written was with Heyman talking about how ECW wasn't garbage wrestling, but also technical wrestling featuring guys like Chris Benoit. This was immediately followed by a completely uncharacteristic garbage match for Benoit and Tajiri. Likely some sort of inside remark for Heyman (who can't be pleased with the WWE's portrayal of the company in regards like that) but still a DOWNGRADE!

~ The Latest War Games
Folks clamoring to see the return of War Games need look no further than Georgia Championship Wrestling, another southern Dusty Rhodes-run indy promotion. It has been and always will be Dusty's match, so don't expect to see it anytime soon outside his grasp (unless you like CZW's Cage of Death, which is a whole different twisted clusterfuck). War Games returned last night in Colombus, GA featuring Team Rhodes vs Team Blanchard...and neither Dusty nor Tully were to be seen. Well, except in the main event cage match, with "HANDS OF STONE" Ronnie Garvin as guest referee. Not only was the War Games bout overshadowed by a way-past-their-primes "legends" match re-hashed 20 years over, but it lasted just over 10 minutes and the biggest name involved was Sonny Siaki. No surprise, then, that the War Games gimmick is now dead. DOWNGRADE!

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Time to find out who TRULY had...the Worst Week Ever.

Candidates
Big Show: For his loss to Carlito at Judgment Day, and taking an F5 from Matt Morgan through a table on SmackDown. The Morgan attack was likely a sign that a Matt Morgan-Big Show feud is on the way, which is fitting for Show, since his career has been stuttering for quite some time.

Charlie Haas: For being stuck in a dead-end team with Hardcore Holly, as well as a go nowhere feud against MNM. Haas and his partner failed twice this week to take the tag belts off MNM, and Haas also took the fall at Judgment Day, because Heaven forbid Baldcore Holly look bad.

JBL: For losing at Judgment Day by uttering the words, "I Quit" as well as admitting defeat to Cena on SmackDown. JBL is back to the role of challenger, and maybe the midcard, which is where he should have been in the first place beofre being force-fed down the fans' throats. Bradshaw lost a lot more than blood this week, but really, fuck Bradshaw. He's taken so much from the product in the last year that it's almost enjoyable to see him get embarassed. Just not enough to spend money to see it. Then the McMahons would win, and no one wants that.

IWA: Mid-South: Not quite ROH, but not quite your local "shit indy" that runs out of high school gyms with garbagemen as main eventers and Gene Austin, IWA:MS has come across some problems. The promotion recently ran a show with only 50 fans in attendance, and this week announced that they entirely canceled both shows planned for the last weekend. The promotion lost its shows at the Lincoln Center in Highland, Indiana, and was unable to find another venue for its own version of the double-cage "War Games" match. However, the show will now occur July 2nd, and IWA:MS returns June 3 with the NWA No-Limits show in Burlington, Iowa. Plus, they turned their 50 fan show into a positive, offering an impromptu eight-man elimination tag that ran 56 minutes: more minutes than paying fans. No wonder they have a good reputation, even with Ian Rotten as head booker.

Tommy Dreamer: The man with more respect and integrity than Mick Foley has puncture wounds may have lost at least a shred of that, thanks to his participation in the upcoming WWECW show. We were reminded this week that, in the September 2004 RAW magazine, Dreamer said he thinks ECW needed to be portrayed as independent of WWE to succeed. He said: "I think that if ECW was run under the WWE banner, it would fail. ECW was all about the rebels, it was about defying authority, and defying what was the industry norm - which at the time was WCW and WWE. We were the alternative product. When they were marketing toward kids, we were marketing toward the adults. We did things that were illegal. They weren't just not corporate; these were illegal things that you couldn't get away with, and we were kicked off of so many TV stations. That's part of the reason we were unsuccessful. We had a great fan base because of how crazy we were, but we shot our own company in the foot several thousand times. Would WWE do something to risk getting Raw cancelled? No. But then again, we were run by a crazy man [Paul Heyman]." The stigma of WWE presenting ECW's One Night Stand stretches further than they probably anticipated...that is, if they even thought about the consequences beforehand.

But this week goes to a group that was replaced by a bunch of broads who usually work a different kind of stick...

B-Show Ring Announcers: For having their jobs pushed to the side in favor of tits and ass. The Divas are nice to look at, but the verbal side of it is a whole different creature. Those girls have worse voices than a Jewbilee camp troup. Their voices are like nails on a chalkboard, and they only sound worse when magnified and projected over a professional sound system. While having the Divas as ring announcers might not be a permanent thing, it's more likely they'll continue this kind of thing rather than come up with good uses for the Divas. Well, until they get a sponsorship deal with pies for Christy's butt to eat...erotically.

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Next week, more dirty talk, just the way you like it. Happy Memorial Day, yanks. And to the British readers...happy early Guy Fawkes Day. I am The Mike, and this has been...the Worst Week Ever. You're Welcome.